Okay, I have to link this. ^^

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A few days ago I wrote the blog post, Ten Novels You Will Never Write. A blogger I follow, Tsactuo wrote a blog post response here. Instead of novels, he did films. Most of them are pretty funny!

I’m quite sure a few of those movies are already out though… O.o 

Anyway, great post. Go check it out!

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Are you propositioning me?

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The problem with query letters, is that they are way too transparent. An agent can look straight through your query letter into the inner workings of your novel and see everything wrong with it. Don’t believe me? Check out this interesting experiment by Nathan Bransford. He gave his readers the chance to sort through their own mini slush pile. The result? You write about as good in your query letter as you do in your novel. Really.

Yeah, I clapped my hands over my ears and ran screaming in the other direction too. Then I did what every other writer should do. I came back and tried to see how I could use this to my advantage. That’s how I found out you can use your own query letter to find flaws in your book, without using a critique circle!

(Disclaimer: You should still use a critique circle for optimum error protection. Don’t have one? Now you do.)

To do this, simply go through every chapter in your book, and write down each major action that happens. Don’t explain why it happens. Don’t try to make it sound good. Don’t do anything but note what your character does. I started listing these actions in a summery I wrote of my novel. You can read it here:

Elizabeth Brooke is angry because her mother is keeping a secret from her. A secret that forces her to move out of the main house and allow complete strangers to take over. Jerks.

A little investigating into the situation, and Elizabeth finds out her mother’s secret. The family they have taken under their wing claim to be unicorns hiding in human form from unicorn hunters, whom they refer to as the Lion Team.

Yeah I know, stop sniggering. Elizabeth doesn’t believe it either, at least not until she accidentally triggers a full scale war on her mother’s turf. Instead of siding with her own daughter, mom chooses to banish Elizabeth to her Aunt Deb’s house on the other side of the state.

Wonderful.

Salvation occurs in the form of Joseph Thunderhead, a man who promises to teach her how to unlock her own unicorn powers, if she leaves with him, no questions asked. Remember that scene in Phantom of the Opera where Christine sleepwalks into the clutches of the phantom? We can only assume that’s what’s going on here, because that’s exactly what she does.

>.<

Knownst to everyone else, but evidently not knownst to Bella…I mean Elizabeth…Getting into the car with a complete stranger in order to enter the modern day fortress of doom is NOT a good idea. She does learn how to become a unicorn. She also learns that she is no more than a slave, and that escape is impossible.

Okay, you’ve read enough of the literary vomit I spat onto a page before deciding I needed to fix my novel. To prove to you that I am capable of stringing a decent set of words together, here is the rewritten summery based on my edited chapters:

Anyone would be curious about a handful of strangers moving in unannounced. Elizabeth Brooke certainly is, especially when her mother does nothing to stop the family making themselves comfortable in their guesthouse.

Since mom’s usual response to trespassers involved a 20-gauge shotgun and rock salt, Elizabeth is sure mom invited them herself. What she isn’t sure about is why Mom wants to keep it a secret.

 That’s all for today! Happy writing!

Pardon me, is that an adverb in your best-seller?

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I have become a book snob.

When I was a kid, I owned and read over 10,000 books. My library included everything from The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck, to Animorphs. (Read my sad tale on this series next week.) I read so much, I actually won a contest at my school for the most pages read in one week.

Reading was my one and only passion growing up. I would let it fill me, disappear into books, be the characters on the page. Some books I gave away to the library, but only if I thought they were boring. (Emma was not for nine-year-old me. I still haven’t picked it up again and I’m definitely older.) My favorite books stayed on the wall-to-wall shelf in my room. I judged them “best” because when I finished reading them I would heave this huge, happy sigh and want to read it again.

Books that were worth reading again but didn’t make me sigh got placement in my sister’s room or downstairs in the office. (In case you’re wondering, my parents encouraged the habit and provided all the shelving. My moms collection took up the shelves in the kitchen, in her room, and merged with mine in the office. She’s also the one that counted the books when my dad suggested we might have too many.)

About a year before I moved to Washington, I started writing. I became just as passionate about writing as I had been about reading. I read books about writing, (of course!) read articles online about writing, went to workshops, and practiced in every way I could. I think that was what ruined reading for me.

All that writing and research reading took me away from novels. When I finally decided to just relax, I picked up a novel at the bookstore–and I wasn’t swept away. I was informed that the weather my hero was enjoying before he went out and did something happened to be dark and stormy. Woop-de-do. Haven’t heard that one before.

I set the book down, convinced it was just bad luck, and picked up another. This one promised me it was a best-seller. I opened it up, bracing myself for the familiar pull of a novel drawing me in, and got almost two chapters in before spying a research error. Well, two. Well–okay, anyone who has ever taken world history ought to have known how wrong those facts were. >.<

I put the book down, somewhat panicked, and kept trying books. Most of them weren’t that bad, but my internal editor sat on my shoulder the entire time pointing out things I never noticed before. Instead of living the story, I was just reading the words.

I left the store without a book that day, and all I wanted was to go back and try again. What happened? Where did all the good books go? Will I ever read again?

I thought about ending this post with those questions, but it would be doing the publishing world a disservice. In the house I share with my husband, I’ve got precisely 12 books that take me back to the days when I was a kid. The Key Trilogy, by Nora Roberts. The Enchanted Forest series, by Patricia C. Wrede, and The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher. One of these blog posts I will take apart these novels and share why they worked for me.

Anyone else out there a book snob?

Perspectives: Judo

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Despite that line in “Blame It” by Jamie Foxx, Judo is not a kicking sport. Judo practitioners do not wander around smashing their heads through concrete blocks or practice moves that involve hitting something with a big stick. In fact, pretty much all of judo involves smashing an opponent into the mat at high velocities, with a sprinkling of chokes, armlocks, and hold-downs thrown in.

You can find out everything you need to know about the history, what the moves look like, and how tournaments work by doing a little bit of research. Here’s what the research doesn’t tell you:

  • Every dojo teaches the name of the throw being taught in Japanese. This way should you compete in a country not your own, you can still fight. You may not understand anything else, but you will know when the fight stops/starts and whether you won or lost.
  • Yes, that little girl can mop the ground with you, if she’s trained and you’re not. Yes, that blind person can whip you in a fair fight, especially if you try to be nice. Yes, that one-legged guy will drag you to the ground, flip you on your back, and sit on you till the match is over.
  • The easiest move for a beginner to use effectively would be O-Soto-Gari. It essentially involves sticking your leg out behind the legs of your opponent, and giving him/her a good push.
  • While classic movie throws like the Seoi Nage (Shoulder Throw) and Tomo Nage (stomach throw) look cool, beginners don’t always pull them off that well. Typical problems with shoulder throw involve standing up too straight (you have to load them on your back for that spring-board action toss) and for stomach throws, not knowing when to sit down and do it. (Tip: If you fall on your butt and your opponent is still coming down toward you, it’s a good time.)
  • Girls: Short hair and shorter nails are critical for this sport. Your nails will get caught on someone elses shirt and torn off. Your hair will get stepped on.
  • Short people rejoice! This sport is advantageous for you. Your center of balance is naturally lower than everyone elses, making it harder for them to throw you, and easier for you to throw them.
  • One of the three judo maxims translates to, “Mutual Benefit.” Judoka are never against each other in training. A fight is essentially meant to be free form exercise, not trying to kill the hated enemy.  

If your character is a martial artist, doing research on their particular form will help fights seem more realistic. Google and Youtube judo for details on how to perform the motions.

When do details matter?

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Showing vs. Telling is a huge topic in the writing world. No self respecting blog can be considered a writing blog until this has come up in some way. I’ve read these articles till I know the whole subject backwards and forwards, and now I offer my own question. When does it really matter? Here’s a for instance:

“She hated doing laundry.”

“Work pants. Bathroom towels. Under shirts. She folded them all with the self-discipline of a monk. She folded them right out of the dryer, putting each item away as soon as it was folded, and did not hesitate until she was almost done. That was when she came to the part she hated. The jumble of little stuff that needed an impossible amount of sorting, matching, folding and everything else you had to do with laundry. The socks had to be seperated his and hers at the very least. Those wash rags needed rolled up and placed in order of color in the appropriate bathroom drawer.

She hated the order. She hated the little things.”

If I asked you which one was better, that would be too easy. Of course the second one is better. Of course it shows more. It tells us a lot about the laundry lady. We know that for some reason her house is very organized, and she herself is not organized. We know what part of laundry she doesn’t like. We can feel tension even though it’s a quiet moment. There’s a lot packed into this paragraph, even though it’s just laundry.

But did it matter? If the story had nothing to do with laundry, would this still have been a good scene to have?

What do you think?

Dear Coffee, I love you.

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Like most aspiring authors, I do not have a wealthy sponsor to tuck me away in a private villa while I work on my literary masterpieces. Writing must be fit around more mundane tasks, like for example going to work. For the record, I love my job. My boss is fantastic, my co-workers are people I’m willing to hang out with after work, and who wouldn’t love working with puppies all day long? The job isn’t the problem. It’s the whole concept of waking up in order to go to it.

What’s worse is, if I want to write, I have to get up even earlier. My least favorite part of the day? 6AM. My husband compares me to the robot from Wall-E before his batteries are charged. I remain that way until either a cold shower has blasted me into a vague sort of alertness, or I get a cup of coffee.

Guess which option is my favorite.

I’m currently nursing cup number two as I work on this post, and try not to think too hard on chapter three. (I know what needs to happen. I don’t know how to say it.) Coffee gets me going in the morning, and without it my writing would be drastically reduced. What do you do to give your writing a boost?

Author Update

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Life of a Suburban Unicorn, my current work in progress, is almost done. Unlike Rex Stoute, my writing doesn’t come out good the first draft, or even first several drafts. I start out with incoherent, upgrade to sensible but bad, and comb through it 476 times looking for errors before I call it done. By this time I hate it with a passion, and put it away until it has been so long since I’ve looked at it, I don’t even remember writing it. When I reread it, I’m amazed at the sheer beauty of the writing inside, and can’t imagine why I didn’t rush out immediately and try to publish it.

I believe I’m on the 475th revision, mostly due to this live journal page here. If you’ve read Twilight, you’ll enjoy reading the sporking of the book, and others in the series. Yes, even if you liked Twilight. In fact, you might get more out of it.

I’ve never read the rest of the series, mostly because I got New Moon and put it down unread after the first three chapters. I loved Twilight however, so when my friend sent me the Sporking of Twilight, I went in prepared to defend it to the death.

I also realized, after reading it and comparing the observations of the critic to my copy of Twilight…well…it’s accurate. All these flaws really are in this best selling novel. I pictured my own novel being ripped apart in the same way, hustled over to my manuscript, popped it open, and started asking questions. Would this person really say that? What’s really going on here? Is this accurate?

So far I’ve only double checked two chapters of my novel, but I can see the improvements already. I can’t wait to get to the juicy stuff.

That’s it for now. Tomorrow: Query letters!

Handling Rejection

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When I first started writing, my biggest fear was on how I would handle rejection. I imagined myself opening my mailbox, my heart stabbing into my throat when I saw the letter. You know the one. The Self Addressed Stamped Envelope (SASE) with a reply from a publisher you solicited. You tear open the envelope, and there it is. Rejection.

I imagined my heart shriveling up, falling out of my chest, and landing irretrievably into a crack in the sidewalk. The pain would be too much for me to continue writing. I would walk away disillusioned and alone, never to write again. It was mostly the fear of not writing again that made me decide to never submit my work.

Then I realized just how stupid that was. I’m not going to stop writing even if law demanded it. I’d sneak into the basement just like every other writer in the universe, and keep right on doing what I did before.

So I submitted, and I got rejected, and it was the biggest relief in my life. Joy surged through me because–well–I didn’t care. The editor who rejected me had a very nice form rejection letter that managed to tell me no without insulting my writing or offending me in any way. I actually saved it, as well as all my other rejections because of how nice they are. No one has ever told me to get a life.

Actually, four people have handed me dollars and put my short stories (under a different name, don’t start peeking!) in print. I even took an honorable mention in a contest once. ^^

 So, having succesfully passed the rejection test, I stumbled on this blog post here. Keep in mind, this is just for a book review. O.O How out of control can you get?

 Then I found this youtube movie here. Which is at least funny. And Farris Literay Agency mentions rejection replies just like the ones above as a way to get rejected in this post here.

All in all, I’m horrified. Who in their right mind would reply that way to a rejection letter? Even assuming you had the best novel ever, no one would publish it because of the attitude that went along with it.

Agents: On behalf of all the (good) writers out there, I apologize. Most of us do understand it’s not personal.

Writers = Cannibals

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In 2007, an aspiring horror novelist was arrested on suspision of murder. Police found portions of his girlfriend all over his house, and a manuscript entitled, “Cannibalistic Instincts.”

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m not that dedicated in my research. If my character is going to rob a bank, I’ll stick to watching movies like Swordfish. I’m pretty proud of my ability to keep my diabolical plots where they belong: in fiction.

Unfortunately, I’m not so proud of myself when misfortune strikes those around me. If you show up on my doorstep, bleeding, I’ll pass out the band-aids and the comfort, along with a few questions.

“Stabbed yourself did you? With what? How bad does it hurt? What does it hurt like? Burning? Throbbing? Can you feel the flesh sliding around? What does that feel like? No don’t just say it hurts, tell me in detail. Oh, yeah. Doctor. Let me get my notebook–I mean the phone. Let me get my phone.”

I can’t be the only one who hugs a friend while simultaneously pondering how to put his/her emotional torment into word form. Time to fess up. Do you do it too?

First Post!

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Welcome to Ink in Progress, a blog capturing the adventures of yet another novelist on the way to getting published. You should follow me. I have credentials. I’ve written something before. (I also look like that girl in the sketch, but better. Really!)

Okay, okay, the odds of me succeeding as a published author are right down there with the rest of you procrastinators. After all, you’re sitting here reading this post instead of writing. Right? But that’s a good thing, because this blog isn’t going to be just about how low my wordcount is and how stupid my characters are. It’s going to have some pretty cool features too.

Next week I’m going to start featuring, “Perspectives,” a blog post geared towards helping authors research. In it writers can share what it’s like to work in certain fields, live in certain places, or deal with problems the rest of us just don’t see every day. After all, you can spend all day researching dog grooming, but it takes being a dog groomer to know that the on/off switch on your hair vaccuum never works after the first few months, and that pretty much anything you say sounds sexually inappropriate to non-groomers.

If you’d like to submit an article to me, please contact me at sskid2000 AT hotmail DOT com. I will be happy to post it with a link back to your blog/site.

That’s it for now! Check in tomorrow for a great new blog post. (This one features cannibalistic authors. Really!)

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