My sister disappeared on 01/13/11. Her last words to me, filled with all the heat and passion of someone who knows they’re doing wrong, “I’ll call you when I’m state side.” She never did. The past few weeks have been a never ending roller coaster of stress and panic as a private detective, FBI, and police in two different countries search for my sister. To raise the stakes, she flat out told me the name of the person she was going to go visit, a person with five rape convictions.
Yeah. They can’t find him either.
I try to keep my personal life out of this blog, but every now and again my personal life and writing collide. The truth is that through all this, a small little voice in the back of my head keeps whispering, “If you ever find her, this would make such a great book.”
It doesn’t help that when I share the full story of what has happened so far, most people mention that you couldn’t come up with a better novel. I know that, but at the same time it is right at my limit for how personal I’m willing to make my writing.
I think we all have our limits. How much of our inner-selves we are willing to reveal to the public. The problem with that is that the story closest to your soul is the one most likely to touch your readers. Powerful fiction isn’t just a story with a plot and theme and characters. It’s the inner workings of another person’s heart, and that’s what people are buying when they hit the bookstores.
I don’t know whether I’m going to turn this into a story or not. I keep a notebook full of thoughts I have related to my sister, and I stay on the phone with my parents as they tell me what the police are trying next. I don’t know if writing this story would be healing, or harmful. I just don’t know.
I am quite sure none of you have had an experience quite like this one in your life, but perhaps you’ve got an epic story of your own. Have you told it? Fictionalized it? How did it impact your writing?
I’d love to know.
A.M. Kuska's Blog 
Feb 07, 2011 @ 17:45:39
Oh my God! I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. You and your family must be worried sick. I hope she turns up safe and sound very soon.
The last thing you need to worry about right now is whether or not to write the story, plenty of time for that later. I think the journaling you’re doing about it, the notes you’re keeping, is the best thing, and might help you emotionally a little, as an outlet to deal with your feelings and worries.
Feb 07, 2011 @ 17:50:01
Worried sick doesn’t begin to cover it. I just know she’s going to turn up dead somewhere. >.< She had to have known this was a bad idea in every way. I just don't understand what motivated her to leave her husband, her life, everything.
Feb 08, 2011 @ 00:02:42
I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
As far as writing and life colliding, I started a memoir during my last year of college that covered some very painful events from my life. I found that writing the piece was incredibly painful and actually caused a near relapse. I knew the events were central to my memoir so I decided to write it anyway, but the period of writing and revision was very difficult. I had to count on my husband and writing colleagues to help keep me in the present so I didn’t sink into the past and relive all the pain. I have rarely read that chapter since, though the project is still in continual development. I don’t think I could ever fictionalize events in my own life unless it was only as a starting point and the final product bore little or no resemblance to reality. I discovered a character in my novel (fortunately early on) that I realized was actually me and I had to remove her from the story.
Feb 08, 2011 @ 00:52:27
You’re very lucky to have a support group like that. It sounds to me like writing it out wasn’t very helpful for you. Did finishing that chapter in the end help you, or do more damage?
Feb 08, 2011 @ 00:39:28
I am so sorry! Prayers for you and your whole family as you wait.
You cannot turn off the writer in you. It’s a fact. You are wise to keep notes, leaving whether or not they ever turn into a full-blown work that is publishable to develop as it will. Taking notes or keeping a journal on it will help you cope as well as process. Capture what you think, feel, observe and without guilt in so doing.
And if you ever do write a book about it, this post is big contender for first chapter.
Feb 08, 2011 @ 00:54:32
P.I. my family hired found evidence that she is still alive at least. I’ll definitely keep this post in mind for first chapter if I ever write it, although to be honest the whole story is so long and confusing, I’m not sure this is the best place to begin.
Thank you for the prayers. We need all the help we can get.
Feb 08, 2011 @ 01:45:37
We are praying for your sister to be found. I’m so sorry to hear she is still missing. I do so hope she will be returned to you soon and that she is safe. Blessings…
Feb 08, 2011 @ 16:15:01
Thank you. I sincerely hope she comes home soon.
Feb 08, 2011 @ 02:13:55
I’ve just found your blog, and I have to say, this post almost immediately gave me chills. I agree with Marilyn that the first paragraph of this blog would make an excellent first paragraph of a book. In fact, I thought it was until I read further.
I’m so sorry about your sister. I can’t say I’ve had this experience, but I’ve had some pretty traumatic ones of my own. My dad was an alcoholic, and two and a half years ago he committed suicide because none of the help we gave him was enough. Not only do I have an autobiographical poetry collection called “The Alcoholic’s Daughter,” but he seems to sneak his way into almost all of my fiction in one way or another. Various aspects of his personality become parts of other characters that all point back to him.
Everyone heals differently, and in the end I think only you can know what feels right. If your heart tells you to write this story down, there’s nothing wrong with that. If you don’t feel ready, don’t let anyone convince you to try. After all was said and done, I found writing my dad’s story to be both heart-breaking and healing. If I hadn’t faced the pain and the truth on paper, I don’t know that I ever would have in my head.
I wish you the best, no matter what you decide.
Feb 08, 2011 @ 17:16:15
Thank you for the kind thoughts. I suspect my final decision will happen when I know for sure where she is and/or if she’s alive.
Feb 08, 2011 @ 02:59:55
Can’t believe that! I’m sorry to hear about your sister. I’ve never been through that kind of disaster and I cannot even imagine how you feel….. I just hope she comes back as soon as possible….!
Feb 08, 2011 @ 17:16:51
I hope she is capable of coming back, and nothing is preventing her from doing so.
Feb 08, 2011 @ 05:03:12
You are a new blogging friend to me, but my heart goes out to you and your family. Keep taking notes, and journaling, it will help you keep your head on straight as best you can. Don’t worry about what you’ll do with it in the future, you’ll just give yourself an even more mind numbing project to post-it note away. Just write what you need to get your thoughts and concerns on paper. I pray that your sister is safe and will be reunited with you and your family, and I hope her recovery path won’t lead to more hurt for you or her.
Feb 08, 2011 @ 17:18:05
Thank you for the thoughts. As long as she has a recovery to look forward to, I’m happy. She can’t recover if she’s not alive! 😦
Feb 08, 2011 @ 20:06:33
I will not even begin to try to formulate the right words to say.
You do what suits you. You could write it, but not share it, just to help ease the thoughts that are no doubt overcrowding your every being.
Personally I am yet to get any release from writing about something personal to me, however, I always do it after the event, aiming for closure if you like.
My thoughts are with you.
Feb 09, 2011 @ 23:28:39
I figure with time I’ll know what the right thing to do is. I just hope it’ll be telling the epic adventure of my (living!) sister, instead of never knowing what has happened, or worse, telling how she died. >.<
Feb 09, 2011 @ 21:45:17
I just updated my blog and in the post thanked you and linked to your site for a comment you made on one of my posts months ago. Then, I checked in and saw this post you wrote just a couple of days ago. I am so sorry to hear this terrible news – I am thinking of you and your family. It’s so difficult to have and keep strength when part of you feels cracked open. I came back here to your blog to say thanks and then when I saw this was instead simply going to let you know my thoughts are with you. But now, more than ever, during this difficult time, I want to let you know that your writing and work makes a difference. So, again, I thank you. I am wishing you only good news and your sister’s safe return.
Feb 09, 2011 @ 23:29:24
Thank you, that’s very kind of you. Hopefully we’ll find out she’s safe soon.
Feb 09, 2011 @ 22:08:23
So very sorry – my thoughts are with you. I can’t begin to imagine what you are your family are going through.
Writing the story may turn out to be therapeutic, a way of understanding what happened and why. I don’t think you need to make a decision; I think it will make itself when the time and perspective is right.
Have enjoyed your blog today, thanks. And good luck!
Feb 09, 2011 @ 23:29:56
You’re probably right. I’ll keep these notes, and if it ever spills over into a story, so be it.
Feb 12, 2011 @ 03:11:05
When, I started reading this post I thought you were posting fiction as I kept reading my heart dropped.
I can’t imagine what you are all going through. I pray there will be a happy ending to this.
Feb 15, 2011 @ 01:59:50
I once said that there is nothing more mercenary and ruthless than a writer. And if that writer’s in your head, you just have to stand there with your hand over your open mouth watching what happens when he/she/it (?) gets its hands on what you’ve lived through. I remember saying too that art has no conscience. It’s like erosion or tides, it just does what it does.
I haven’t ever written anything explicitly about my family, but intuition is astonishing. I wrote potboiler thrillers as a teenager, and one involved an alcoholic hero and a woman not his romantic partner — who nonetheless took responsibility for always getting his back and suffered the animosity of his possessive family — long before I grasped consciously that my father (the only person in my family I at all resembled) was really a godawful drunk. No one yakked about it nonstop on Dr. Phil and the like in those days and it was a while before I understood there were souses behind scads of suburban front doors. But I wrote that story nonetheless.
I’d say that if a story starts writing itself and you realize it is your sister’s story — no matter what happens — accept that you are not deliberately exploiting her and write it. It’s part of what the Life Force does. And I hope she gets home safe.
Thanks for dropping in at my place.
Feb 20, 2011 @ 18:26:00
I’ve been sick and am now just catching up on my blog reading – and was horrified to read this! I’m so, so sorry you and your family have to go through all the pain and wondering. Hopefully, she will be found, and soon.
As for whether to write this, only you can make that decision and when it feels right. Journals work well in the immediate sense until then.
My thoughts and wishes for a good ending to this situation are with you.